ASSESSING LORD NELSON: SCENE 1

Nelson is at home, relaxing before his next campaign at Trafalgar. He has his Admiral's hat and jacket on with tracksuit bottoms and slippers. He is smoking a pipe and looking at photographs of a dubious nature! He is wearing his eye patch. The door bell rings. Noticeably disturbed, Lord Nelson gets up, muttering to himself. He has a strong Norfolk accent:

NELSON

Damn, I wish Lady Hamilton could remember her bloody key!

Nelson pads to the door and looks through the peephole with his patched eye.

NELSON

Is that you, my woman?

MS K SMIT

Er, no it's Ms Smit here, I'm from Social Services

Ms K Smit is a very young attractive woman. She is smartly dressed in a black suit, white blouse and court shoes. She is carrying a brief case and a clip board. A pair of designer glasses are precariously balanced on her nose. She has a pen in her suit pocket.

NELSON

What? Who or what on earth are Social Services?

MS K SMIT

Raising her voice

Social Services. The Royal Navy has asked that we assess your fitness for work.

Ms K Smit nervously plays with her hair, pulling it out of place.

NELSON

What!!!

MS K SMIT

Looks at her notes on her clip board.

It doesn't mention hard of hearing on his notes, I better add it.

Ms Smit writes hard of hearing on the clip board, speaking the words as she writes them.

NELSON

I'm not deaf, woman. Bugger off!

Nelson walks away from the door muttering again.

NELSON

Bloody Navy, after all I've done for 'em. I can just see 'em talking behind my back saying: He's past it now, a liability, a safety risk, let's pension him off! Well, this is one Cripple who will not be made invalid!

MS K SMIT

Shouting through the key hole.

Lord Nelson, if you don't let me in, I'll have to report you to the Navy who will fire both of us! Please let me in!

Nelson now pretends he is Deaf. He puts his fingers in his ears, like a child and sings:

NELSON

I can't hear you!

MS K SMIT

Stamping her foot, she sings back:

I'm not leaving.

NELSON

You're a hard woman, just tell them I'm away and you can't get hold of me.

MS K SMIT

Tell you what, I'll make it worth your while.

NELSON

Laughing.

What could you possibly do for me?

MS K SMIT

Rumour has it you like threesomes.

Ms K Smit grimaces and under her breath:

MS K SMIT

I can't believe I just said that!

Nelson's eyes light up and he smiles.

NELSON

That's a total lie, who told you that?

MS K SMIT

Lady Hamilton let it slip at the hairdressers the other week.

NELSON

Under his breath.

Damn that woman!

MS K SMIT

C'mon Lord Nelson, let me in, I'm destitute and need this job! I'll be so grateful…

NELSON

How grateful?

MS K SMIT

Very grateful.

NELSON

Don't play with me, woman, I'm no fool.

MS K SMIT

Whatever you want, we have some lovely new aids and adaptations back at HQ, I can recommend….

NELSON

Sneers.

What do I want with aids and adaptations? God, woman, have you no imagination? I am a man, as well, you know. Give me something I can dream about on my long voyage, at sea.

MS K SMIT

In desperation.

A kiss?

NELSON

At last, a connection! Ok, I'll let you in on two conditions…

MS K SMIT

And they are?

NELSON

That you ensure that I keep my job and that I get that kiss from you.

MS K SMIT

You're on! Now will you let me in, it's cold out here.

Nelson slips the dubious photographs in to his inside jacket pocket - making him look like his famous pose).

NELSON

Smiling.

The door's open.