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Fred Schnitzel ponders the expansion of the universe in his new DAO blog / 23 January 2011

Fred photographed on a wooden throne in Winchester Cathedral

Fred photographed on a wooden throne in Winchester Cathedral

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Today my uncle (whose recently been tinkling around with reverse engineering) told me that he'd sooped up his vacuum cleaner to such a degree that he was concerned he might be held accountable for throwing the expansion of the universe into reverse.

I tactfully put it to him that he was off on another grandiose guilt trip, and that he ought to channel his creativity through a practical accelerator and invent something so useful that its usefulness may forever remain elusive, just as I was doing.

He went a bit feint on the phone again, but after he'd picked himself up he thanked me a second time for the executive cyber-sumo toy, and, just before going, told me that his neighbour had been round again concerned that he'd drowned his goldfish.

A little later I went to the pictures and found the one of my brother with his collection of collecting books. By this time all the mental in-exertion had worn me out, so I drove myself to a deserted philosophical car park and chewed the cud for a bit.

Tomorrow's another day I reasoned, and looking at it from today's standpoint, yesterday was another day too - the day before yesterday, that is.

At the end of the day, under an anglepoise lamp it's as broad as it is round, I thought. And for certain, so long as the quantum mechanic does his job, any time after midnight tonight should slide neatly into the frame of the day to follow.

I was fine with that, just as I was fine with the universal certainty that I booked in for a blood test at 11.50am an eye test at 2.45pm; getting a new exhaust fitted somewhere in between, and having my testicles revarnished at 4.20pm.